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| welcome to the Robertson Chronicles II
March 26, 2005 Well i just put a link from the new 21TR.ca site to the Robertson Chronicles so i guess i should write something... there was also that blasted Mule who was poking around the question. It is 9 am on a Saturday morning and 21 tandem Repeats is due back in the studio for 10 am. And I'm sitting at a stupid desk pecking out things. So i guess we should get to some wisdom and then kick out the jams. Believe in yourself and continue... that was the motto yesterday as we blazed down 12 bed tracks sans engineer. We got the sounds ourselves and then I man ran the board (which = pressing record when the time came). The vibe was killer in the sense of the group interaction... we didn't hand anything over yet we worked feverishly and got stuff done. Never think your better than you are... I imagine that i will be served a cold dish of that when i go back in today to hear yesterdays work.
January 11, 2005 January 11... how did we get here. I though it was the 9th yesterday. Why did i think that... well for one the next line below this line it say's January 9, 2005, and then i go on to talk about hockey because i played yesterday, and i wrote it before i went to play hockey yesterday. I don't like this idea of a falsehood making it into this website. I digress. I need to make a poster for a show in February. Do i really need to make a poster? Sure Why not... do i need to make lunch. Yes, Yes i do! If i didn't eat lunch i would still be alive by dinner, but i would be delirious and unfocused and shall we say Jagged. Just as the poster is important to set the greater wheels in motion. The show becomes a little more official, or shall we say that it gets bumped up a notch. January 9, 2005 Soon i play hockey... things to think about. Don't go insane and over exert yourself. Easier said than done when one tends to be a natural maniac. And there she is folks the long missing title of that song that keeps getting rehashed time and time again. Pressing thoughts are this... well lets start by identifying that i ate a rather large piece of white chocolate before i started writing today and as it is now, all that i have left is a small chocolate aftertaste that is saying to me "you better go back downstairs and wolf down the rest of that"... it is at the back of the roof of my mouth and then behind the molars where certain saliva glands are located. If you swallow hard enough there is still the faint flavour... but we are looking for a new burst of sweetness January 8, 2005 The song needs to be uplifting thought the man as he peeled an orange in the kitchen while pacing about wondering about the direction of his life. But it was that unknown that drove him into the desert that beat him with a dry dust storm. Then the juicy orange refreshed his imaginary sand mouth and he was back ready to screech off in a new direction. Posture and the 2 second rule... every 2 seconds challenge your form! Threaten yourself by withholding what you like. No, actually, don't do that. Gently remind yourself of the power of ultimate form when reached in the state of higher consciousness. Wait... don't think about that higher consciousness thing... it will come naturally when you have successfully mastered the small steps like good form. I am going away to Barbados soon... somebody tried to spook me with a tsunami thing (I bet there will be a bunch of movies in this theme). I would have none of that giving some statistic off the top of my head. My point being that there is a far greater chance of me being attacked by a SHARK. Just seeing those letters gives me a good spook that I can turn into a giggle inside. January 4, 2005 At the Safeway... which is a shithole grocery store good for very little other than Yoghourt and cheese occasionally. I got this stupid Safeway BINGO card with over 1,000,000 prizes available and 3 ways to win... can you believe it I won ten fucking airmiles. On the back of the pull tab that cover's the bingo game our industrious layout artist has managed to squeeze in a collect to win letter game... collect and save letters and if you can spell BINGO you get $25 and if you can spell SAFEWAY you get $25,000.. So of course i asked if i could spell shithole store, then would i get the $25,000 dollars, the people behind me burst out laughing but our lovely clerk said that that would be impossible because there are no h's in this game. A clear oversight so i have drafter a letter to the head of Safeway. Dear Exulted company head, I use to actually shop at you store in City center mall for years and years, it was convenient to the area in which i lived. i have often spend late nights thinking to myself... I cant believe i use to shop at that shithole. As i grew wiser i began to notice prices and the quality of produce with respect to what is going on in the grocery market, and i became appalled by the savage price gouging. On most days you can't even find an edible piece of citrus fruit in your store yet your citrus fruit prices are triple those of the more honest markets. It was then that i became aware of you almost total lack of B.C. or Canadian produce at any time of the year. This alarmed me soo much that i had to ask somebody in the produce department why this is so and i was given a dismissive "we can't get it.". To which then i made some calls and in fact found that it was not hard to get at all. Perhaps there is some rigid bylaw that in some way makes a practice of buying food from another country down south... sounds like the kind of typical answer that loathsome companies such as yours. As a result I avoid your store and spend much of my time jabbering of in a tirade against the existence of Safeway to anybody who will listen. Occasional like the other day, I was in a situation where I needed a loaf of bread and I was outside your store so I went in. Which brings me to the point of this letter. With respect to your Collect and win contest open until January 29, 2005. It says that if I can spell the word safeway by collecting the letters i will win $25,000, provided i can jump through the necessary loops. My question too one of your employees was that if i could spell shithole store, would i get the 25 big ones. Now she seemed to think that that could not happen because there would be no h to collect. Is this true? What is going on with this? January 4, 2005 Baby that can crawl + hazardous disasters = problems. Yes well that one is quite self explanatory. Today somebody got a big mouth full of dirt... the odd thing about that is that that same person didn't want to finish her Yams. Now sure possibly Yams are not the tastiest treat in the world, but surely they stomp the balls of a mouth full of Peat, dirt and god knows what else is in commercial potting soil. There is some substance that holds water, that most likely is not chosen for its palatable flavour. Never read when the mind wants to write. Looking at something that doesn't work trying to understand if it does work but it just aint saying so at this particular time. I need to be more organized as always. Lyrics need to be written out so that any obvious weaknesses will be exposed for the menial shit that it is. I finally finished Bay City Kitty... it came rather unceremoniously during some 21 Tandem moment. Is 21 tandem better than 21 tandem repeats. The name could be problematic... possibly a band discussion? Actually it's a fine name and one which deserves the courtesy of it's own privacy. I was in the video store the other day and I saw a movie... can't remember the exact name but it was about genetically modified wasps that kill with one sting that have been let loose on the world where terror is sure to be unleashed. I though, I should have played the lead in that film... of course there might have been a rewrite that spends the first hour of the film slipping into the world in where the... never mind. Tsunami relief fund... I hated doing that but at least i feel money will go to the people that can use it for something useful. I hear that the Tax deadline has been put back to January 15 so that if you want to donate you can still get a tax write off for last year. Only in a wasteful first world nation would such a thing actually happen. January 3, 2005 Teeth, Peanut butter and jam sandwich Earl parrish brand underwear what a fucking ridiculous though pattern for a brain to have. i once again clearly see that i am a jackass. Good way to bring in the new year old sport... although i believe in real omens. New years eve is a commercial irritation, a nice fine plum fat omen is a thing to set shivers from.. The feeling is like a fine shark paranoia when your a mile offshore over a coral bed wit a surf board and some time to think a bit. Ever little shadow becomes a vicious death machine for an instant or so... a fine adrenaline rush indeed. That's why omens are linked to the subconscious imagination with the power to induce the real future in a positive or negative way. Or if your just a sporting type, as am I, a chance for a nice adrenaline trip. Which reminds me that Kaiya seems to have found the technique in how to work herself up into a frenzy before bed. A chip off the old block I'd say although one should avoid saying that as she is her own block, and not a chip off another. She would probably grab the chip off the floor and stuff it in her mouth... yes she would. The old block has been taking it's chips lately... like the time i tried to fix the Gallery doorbell and then flipped out... boy was that ever a Zany period. i was bipping and bopping, tinging and tanging, and deet deet deeting... I had this shop teacher in High School.. He use to always do that.. He looked like the APE in Donkey Kong.. And he definitely didn't find it funny when I made that cartoon with him as the main character, nor did he happy to see that I made a bird feeder out of Mahogany that was rather, shall we say... shit together. Then I was sanding down some wood and my hands slipped into the sander taking off my fingerprints... unfortunately they grew back... I was going to be a master criminal. Where was i... oh the block is now a Master criminal... now add a little Mind dreamsequence omen and pouf a new paranoia.
December 30, 2004 Played this show the other night that was rather incredible... it was like a dream. People were quiet and they listened and there was a hockey game on the big screen T.V.. I was speaking well and keeping the flow going until one ugly slip of the tang, but then i recovered, and the sound was good. It was a 21 Tandem Repeats show which seems to be my new band, which has an element of irony that this sits on a roadbed website. But actually it sits on the Internet which is a whole different animal... make that it's the same. This is where a normal sane writer would go back and delete and correct but ME i just go on and on and on. True though i have been having fun lately... hope i didn't jinx myself, not too good at overcoming omens. The 21 tandem Repeats thing is going well. Kind of strange when you talk to Roadbed fans who seem to love Roadbed and get frantic, but then you play and it's like you get another chance to prove yourself. I would say that I am the biggest Roadbed fan in the world and I think I can say that and be on the money 100%. Clearly you can't form another band like Roadbed that would be better than Roadbed... or at least I can't, and that's a good thing. But at then end of the day you still have something to say and you still have fun saying it and you believe that somehow it is important. I like it when something that I thought would work out doesn't so that i am forced back into unfamiliar territory, and again it is up to me to somehow manage to answer the great bell that tolls for the soul's like mine. Kaiya is now awake so we leave this train of thought to go tend the smallest thing that I absolutely love.
December 27, 2004 People who put their noses in things that break noses, end up with broken noses. That is vintage S. Robertson. i announced that as a reply to a question and then cackled with glee afterwards. Of the rest of the people in the room some enjoyed, others were confused, and a few seemed rather traumatized with the inherent violence of it all. In a sense it's just bone hockey logic, a dialect picked up from the red-necked sector of the game. I do feel bad for the pretty blond girl who's birthday is today in that (although I shouldn't interpret her feelings as I would most likely be wrong). She does have a right to stand at a party and not have some mangy man start talking about breaking noses. When I was younger I did enjoy "weirding people out", but now that i recognize what a bad idea that is on so many levels... so I try to avoid doing that. But being me often puts one in a position where I have to contradict myself... shit man I should run for president... or secretary of defense! Where was i... I always end up on a bad inner core feeling when I think about things like the aforementioned... all of the sudden my little violent truism doesn't seem so bad. The first trainwreck of the day. December 19, 2004 Had a grand old time the other night! There were all kinds of entertainment options and one of them was a spirited declaration of things that are wrong between myself and my good man Smash. And another time i got to quote myself when a discussion about what to call me broke out... indeed figure that one out. It was my birthday and I managed to remain in anonymity for most of the day, which has become a trademark. I tend to enjoy things for what they are and I find that (at least personally) the whole declaration of an event tips the scales in the direction of a total disaster. kinda like New Years eve... I mean EVERYBODY I KNOW hates New Years by dint that it is a colossal fiasco... wait I'm wrong Smash likes new years due to some tradition of fireworks, fine booze and guitar solos, and Shockk likes it because it's a nice quiet night @ the Shockcenter / Sanctuary... and in a sense I have been on a roll for a few years.. Well OK so everybody likes New Years, and why not... shit there is no comma after New Years and and... or is there for fifty bucks would I get it right.. How bout it could go either way depending on how the thought of the sentence flowed. I could care less A Smash pet peeve, and a common Brian Burke quote and another fucking comma before and. It should of course read I couldn't care less. So if you could care less it would be conceivable how mush less you could care, if you could care less. But yet if you said that you could care less, thinking that what you said was that you couldn't care less then you would not understand why somebody is asking you how much less you could care. One thinks. Is ignorance bliss? or is it just an obvious curse that seems to be invisible to the the one who is cursed with it. Ahh, but then there is the bone fact that we live in the times that celebrate the jackass... I have always been about 5 years ahead of the times was the though I just had and by writing it I have just caused a great, no , make that a mighty trainwreck in my brain.. Don't go down that worn out road our hero tells himself.. Be a leader find something real to cling to... Smash wisdom the only real game in town... remind me to scold hey Rock... make that remind me to give Hey Rock some friendly encouragement for being a stellar human being.
I should promote these shows for 21 tandem
December 17, 2004 My little baby girl it terrified of Santa Clause... no why would an innocent little human be afraid of a large aging male who himself may not be a nominee for "citizen of the year". Not that i have any faith that "citizen of the year" would actually have any relevance to goodness in mankind... or humankind for that matter. Don't go on about that old species disaster thing again. The first time it was funny, we were in the legendary Kingsgate Mall and there was Santa so i mentioned to my wife the this is our "big opportunity"... and then of course sent her over with Kaiya... but just before they got to Santa a group of three young santamaniacs jumped into the fold. They were like there for 15 minutes talking to Santa who was giving them five and chatting them up... then the picture and then back for a round of hugs and then back again as he forgot to give them a candy cane after all that. i was sitting down watching this noticing how small little Kaiya was and how happy se was to just hear the flute player and grab at the tinsel. Finally they broke through the line and CT plopped Kaiya suddenly down on Santa's Knee... she was just this little terrified bump nestled against Santa's paunch. I was probably 30 feet away but i could clearly see her lower lip sprouting out, and the large red circles around her eyes as she gasped in horror. The whole thing was over in about 3 seconds, and unfortunately for Kaiya it was rather humorous... poor little buzzer. So today i was going to make it better... i thought it would have been a great picture anyway (of Kaiya screaming in horror on Santa's lap). We went to the Mount Pleasant Neighborhood house Christmas party. In the room there were trains and we had a great time watching the train and grabbing the fake snow and shaking it. Santa was over in the corner with two nice elf's.. I figured she's in a good mood... i got my camera... what can possibly go wrong? Well first of all that Santa started making some calls about how to play this one... i could gradually feel Kaiya's death grip of fear beginning to claw at my shoulder and ribcage... Santa was sure that if I put her on the arm of the chair looking at me then she wouldn't see him... which of course might have worked had not already alerted her to a "Santa Presence". It's like this... Kaiya can remember where that crinkled piece of paper that you took out of her mouth 2 hours ago is (say you were to put it on the sofa so that it would be up out of her grasp when you were playing on the floor). Now surely she can remember the fact that her worst nightmare who is waving a white hand petting the arm of a chair is going to be in that chair. It was kind of funny in that I was hesitant and thinking this may not work... and Santa was insisting that it would work... and Kaiya was insisting that it was absolutely out of the question. We made a hasty retreat to the fireplace and a guy playing some classics on a classical guitar. That was when we started doing things right. December 7, 2004
I'll tell you how big London is; the Knights set a new junior league record for most games without a loss and people are on the streets foaming at the mouth! The greatest tragedy imaginable has befallen them; they are sold out of Knight's jerseys!!! Of course this has brought on an epidemic of attempted mass suicides, with people jumping off the Richmond Street Bridge in droves, not realizing that the death they so dearly desired can only come with about another 150 feet of height!!! Of course, being the good samaritan that I am, I volunteered to rent a double decker bus and run them to the Burlington Skyway Bridge where there is all height that they will need, but they all sneered at the thought of the onerous journey to the second floor of the bus. I then suggested that I would first drive them to Tim Hortons where they could gorge themselves until fully sated, as they would soon no longer need rent money! They thought this brilliant and so I immediately headed to the nearest double decker bus rental location and put the rental on my Canadian Tire card. I am sure that I can get that utter moron who does the Canadian Tire ads and needs an electrical tool for every single thing that he does in his pathetic little life to go along as the mechanic. Just as all my passengers are about to jump off the bridge, I will administer a very heavy blow to the back of that despicable idiot's too-large-cranium for its too-small-contents with a very non-electrical tool, a pipe fitter's wrench, but I am sure he'll be carrying some magical Canadian Tire gadget that immediately inflates into a raft upon contact with water. I guess I'll have to run the bus over the railing too (sans yours truly of course). Cheers for now-Geoff I read about that London nights thing in the CBC hockey news, being the only hockey story to follow I was in on it when they were 2 wins away from the record. Quite a goaltending clinic so I hear. That is the one good thing about no NHL hockey this year; I had managed to forget about that Canadian tire jackass and his smarmy wife. He would have an automatic inflatable device on him and it probably would have a Motormaster power pack hidden near the kidneys to power a small popcorn maker and telephone so that he could have a snack as he floated down the rapids waiting for his wife to rescue him by locating him with a motormaster spotlight ready to throw a net over a bridge to snare him and then she could use her motormaster winch to pull him up from the icy waters. She could take a hand full of his popcorn, as he came into view and he could make some lame joke and she could then lower him back into the water.The jingle begins by just flipping the easily and well labeled Reverse switch. Because after all there really is a lot more than just tires at Canadian tire. Some time in 2004 Well lets face it News is a strange bird in our time that tends to sing the song of the hand that fills the bird feeder. I had the pleasure of riding shotgun with Roger dean young's bass player for a 24 hour phenomona. The western country music awards... Roger dean Young and the tin cup were selected to represent western canada at a gala event at a place called Kaos in calgary. And why wouldn't you select them, as all honest festivals go bands sent in a demo and close to half a hundred dollars for "due processing fees" and the best bands are always selected. I got the call to join bass player John Smith on a plane departing from Vancouver at 2pm saturday afternoon. As i entered the airport John was trying to convince the airline staff that his bass should indeed travel as cary on luggage... i quickly hit the express check in and soon we were on out way through security... a little frisk frisk here and a frisk frisk there. We went to the lounge and had a drink.. I asked John about Roger Dean Young and the tin cup. "good band, should be an interesting show" and then he went of on some tangent about the essence of music and the purity of soul claming that Roger indeed had it and that it came to him one afternoon while listening to the CD Pilgrim... "In my mind i was driving down a dry dust road in an old shitbox car and everything felt just right". John was working himself up into some rightous speech about the dying art of integrity in music when ovet the intercom we heard "John Smith and Earl Parrish please report to gate 22 you flight is leaving immediatly". We arrived in Calgary and there was even some dude in a limo outfit holding a sign with our names on it... at last we made the big time! Upon arriving in town we were met by Shawn Brodie the trumpet player for the tin cup. He seemed ratehr hystarical uriging us to go to a place called the Cecil to meet some dude by the name of "Rick Sticks" as they had some "Business" to take care of. John protested slightly but Shawn waved him off as a sissy and said we need to do this. After walking around town for a while we found the Cecil and it was as one city wroker described as Cesspool. Drug dealers an prostitures, heavily bearded and drunken old men... rumor has it you can get a glass of beer for a dollar but we decided to get bottles. Shawn ordered 3 beers for himself and began to mingle with the crowd looking for this Rick Sticks, a man who apparently is a legendary rock drummer. Lo and behold before he can swill back 2 of his 3 beers Shawn comes back to our table with Rick Sticks... apparently they are set to do an album together in the fall and they just wanted to get together and talk about the feel of things. By they time we were done @ the Cecil we had missed soundcheck which is never a bad idea when you think about it so we went back to the hotel for some R&R. At around 8pm Roger dean Young rallied the troops for a swim meet. Word had it that there was a heated outdoor pool on the lower roof deck. Once in the pool roger began giving instructions on how to properly compete in and IM relay... he insisted that the first lap be Butterfly followed by the backstroke followed by the breast stroke followed my the front crawl. The rest of the band seemed to be getting a little cold but Roger, the quintisential prarie boy was there to flex his cold tolerance. Next thing you know some firecrackers go off and the race is underway... by this time other hotel guests have collected on their balconies and began cheering on the competitors. The race was going well when Roger dropped out due to some superficial stomach cramp and then he got out of the pool and ran naked around the deck in the frigid calgary air, he caused such a comotion that the race was abandon. In retrospect it seemed that Roger was just gearing up his troops for the show that night and it seemed to work for after some great Blues sets turned in for bands from Saskatchewan Roger Dean Young and the Tin cup took the stage to a capacity crowd of about 400 and eased into the first number Down Juan. You could have heard a pin drop between the delicate spaces that defined the music nothing less than brilliant. The set went on and the band comfortably filled the stage stanging together with their soules in perfect unity. After the set which featured brillint encore versions of The ballad of Betsy Mcann, Brazil and Pilgrim the band went backstage and didn't come out for a while and when they did stalwart guitarist Chris Rippen lead the crew in some hardcor arm swinnging stomp dancing that inspired Ace drummer Chris Kelly to get down and attempt a headspin around a circle of cheering spectators. Around that time i went to the bar to get another beer and i ran into John Smith who was as usual hanging out casually in the back of the bar... a bass player needs to be groovie. The night ended somehow and the next thing you knew it was morning... time to catch a free breakfast and a few Music Industry seminars, get a free CBC scarf and walk up to the Canada Lynx Records display. Down a dark hall near the end of the road was a room and standing in that room were S Robertson and Carl Fatman doing their time ready to spred the vibes of the Lynx, somehow though nobody came so we played chess and had a great time none the less. On the flight home i got to talk to John again about the last 24 hours. he said he didn't want to talk and then he punched me in the testicles, and aborted the plane with a parachute and a heart full of hate.
October 26, 2004 A banana peel is on the desk. It looks like it has freckles and it is cold from toady's walk. Indeed the temperature is beginning to drop... it is around this time of year a man can be out and think "geeze i need some gloves"... not to mention a hat. Next thing you know you're eating a chilled banana. What about "Carl Fatman at large" that movie i have somehow deadlined myself into completing before the end of November? Son of a gun.. Or as my grandfather would say "holy kitty!". October 24, 2004 the idea that... when you are young you want to change the world and you think it is all possible in some way if you just wished hard enough and then you become old and realize that the world is truly perfect example of something infinitely beautiful that is absolutely doomed... has been knocking around the old noggin a bit lately. Thinking about this blasted election down south... so depressing reading the news clips, and hearing about the television smear ads and how much money is being poured into this campaign. Political pundits refer to it as a "war chest". The incumbent has what has been referred to as a "unprecedented war chest". So I go out for a walk and all I can smell is fucking exhaust fumes... and then I fly into an "unprecedented rage" But then I make music and I forget about things... well I don't forget about it I just feel better. Been playing with Willingdon Black, my old blog arch nemesis. A man who started a blog "I begin this site essentially to counter certain character-assasinating discourse laid down by Super Robertson (roadbedonline.com).". The sport has come full circle perhaps... probably more to do with music than online gibberish and that is just the way i like it. We have played a few shows under 21 tandem Repeats, all of the shows have been around main street... perhaps a song "Main street men"? Na I'm just blabbing.. But so far so good.. There seems to be a real chemistry... probably the old bit about me doing one thing and he doing another and together it makes a whole. The man has a good mind, as anybody who has read or heard his work, can testify. We are like a fresh young band made up of two aging and bitter guys. It is almost like no absurdity could even surprise anymore. If I was a bit smarter in the PR department i would call it experience but i always seem to have trouble with these things... can never quite look the other way when it would benefit me. But we have been in bands.. We have been in bands the we didn't care about and we have been in bands where we laid our souls out to get stomped on... we have been in bands and suffered the frustration of a band. I always like that in a musician.. The ability to understand what it's like to be the other guy. An example... you drum for a band so you keep it quiet and simple because you know that the person trying to sing their song wants accompaniment not competition. It is very easy to forget these things when pounding loud fast rhythms with fiery showmanship can be soo much fun. Like that time i got up and ruined that husker du song right Mule.
September 1, 2004 things to think about 1) therein lies the problem.. Our hero is at a loss for words so he does other things for a while and lets his mind drift into a scenario he ends up labeling someone else as a disorientated, decision choking jackass fool. At just about that time the true irony of all that stuff became clear to me something to think about August 31,2004 I was reading in the news that there is some physiological change in the brain chemistry that creates a sense of euphoria when a human being seeks revenge on another who they perceive have wronged them. Probably explains why I felt so good egging that guy and his car last week. August 30, 2004 Write something witty chirped the jackass... and then the baby woke up. Fortunately babies rule when they have just woke up. Full of energy and the promise of a new period in time. Unless of course you woke the baby up by disturbing it, in which case the reception is one that is by far less welcoming. August 26, 2004 what happens now indeed but isn't that always the question. I mean ever since the barn burnt down and all the crows died things just haven't been the same around here. Even when things aren't all that bad you could still end up having an unexplained heart attack. Sure it could be explained, but when did the truth ever really matter. Like good old Ben Johnson, who won the gold medal, and then was striped of it due to "doping violations" and the medal was handed to another sprinter who was also on dope.
Things to do from Toronto: Eat a cheeseburger during an key business meeting that is ridiculous... what do you mean to say August 18, 2004 Make the horn stop or face my wrath S. Robertson earlier today speaking to some jackass who felt he was right to idle his car in the alley outside S. Robertson home and continually honk his horn.
My lovely wife has come up with the idea of reasoning with him, it would be a quick reasoning stop the fucking noise... but I had already decided that my jackass nemesis needed to pay some kind of toll. Fortunately I had bought some eggs the other day. You see lately I have discovered the beauty of organic free range brown eggs... they came to me in an egg salad sandwich... made by my man A. Parker who is himself a gourmet chef. True I do like to keep company with gourmet chefs... my stomach thanks me. But back to the eggs... I went and bought some regular brown eggs that were not free range not were they organic... they had a weak yellow yolk... not the deep rich tasty orange yolk that I have come accustomed to. So basically I have a bunch of eggs in the fridge that I now have little use for... and then I thought... well there is a jackass outside that needs to learn that there are consequences to being in this particular place and arrogantly honking your horn. I was so excited.. I was chuckling and clucking rubbing my hands together with excitement from the time that I realized that yes I was going to egg this bastard... She could see it in me... I had snapped... this was going to happen.. There was no stopping... fortune turn thy wheel. My only real maneuver was to go out through the common door (as to not tip off the exact location of where the egger lived), and of course a little disguise of which i have plenty. Of seven flying eggs i scored five car shots and i nailed the sucker in the face as he jumped out of the car to attack me. I am a fast fucker on my feet and i made a nice clean getaway. My only real regret was not being able to fully savior this man's reaction... he was clearly pissed of before, and now he has completely lost his mind... as it stands now I think we are even. However I now feel the need to one up him stay tuned
August 8, 2004 "I don't know" said Jim why start with that that is a ridiculous way to begin a novel... damn I was going to write a novel but now I screwed it up... i will write a story about 3 billygoats trying to cross a bridge... hot damn that has been done before as well. Wow my typing technique is pathetic.. It is actually tweaking a muscle that connects to the back of my skull... tweaking shall mean "throwing into spasm" for our purposes tonight. It's been so long since I wrote here in this column that was started so that in effect there would be a reason to come back to it... that reason having dubious merit however given the technological limitations of someone who has the distinct ability to fly off in savage rages when confronted with human made systems that are full of ass brained consumer arranged assumptions...it did have certain advantages except for the fact that it gave the impression of a certain something else that can never really be understood by myself, the author, and more importantly a member of the band that was in fact the reason to launch this online endeavor that created this space that I went to in my head and just felt comfortable jabbering on about whatever the hell I thought about... which then became who to antagonize and how to try to tell of my rage for this shithole world in the context of short amusing stories... this in turn set off what we like to call a "Rage behavior complex".
I don't know July 5, 2004 According to the NEWS officials of Lotto 649 know what what Canadians want and that is bigger jackpots. But I'm a Canadian an what I want is for one of the local newspaper headlines to be "our stupidity is finally killing us". You could run that headline for a year and still pack the paper full Os scintillating facts. But of course what got me onto this in the first place was reading all of the headlines about the dry forest fire conditions... and I thought to myself why is it that I never read about how we, the human beings, the master species et al, have totally decimated the forests that at one time maintained the cycle of water. Why does the weather seem so arid now... well boss that's because all of the streams and forest floors that once housed life and water have been logged and the watercycle has been broken leaving us with a new system. Water falls from the sky hits the side of the mountain and runs down
May 18, 2004 My fingernail is chipped, and I am going insane again. At least this time I Know how to spell insane. Or is it that I have just learned to make sure I use the spell check when I make these statements. It doesn't matter though does it? The only thing that matters is the appearance of it. The sentences above are a perfect example of what not to do when confused and frustrated.
May 11, 2004 I just saw Mule... gave him the lowdown he was agreeing with everything.
March 28, 2004 Damn.. I missed an event last night because i forgot that it was going to happen. I hate it when that happens. So easy to lose track of these things.. there was a poster in the Sanctuary but I haven't bee there to much lately. A few times last week... crimminy. That is the word that the guy who does the far side cartoon always uses. His last name is Larson... Jim Larson? I can't recall. Jeese this one is like the bad memory update. And in other news we can't recall anything. It was the Fireman Horn show... a few months ago my man fireman came over and we talked about his next show. I was all over him to do this horn show. He makes horns out of elderberry... he even made a wooden trumpet with a working valve. Anyway the show was the other night... and I forgot about it... shit I even went downtown looking for something to do.. I did hook up with some friends at the Railway Club... however I even walked home.. I could have easily slid by on the way home... DAM DAMN DAMN! I heard it was great and the horn Jam went of like gangbusters... DAMN DAMN DAMN! Fireman got up with Roadbed one time and we did a live jam... it was excellent. March 23, 2004 Bathing a baby. Somewhat similar to dealing with a German Shepherd and a stick however where the dog vigorously want's the stick and will do anything to keep the stick the baby will do anything to resist the bath. I guess I shouldn't get into the habit of comparing my daughter to a mangy mongrel. A bad example.. Of course but this is a Rock Band website... indeed. Today saw the day whereby Simian and I went over to the place that middleman's the pressing of CD's. A 16 track CD titled last Dance @ the Shockcenter will be back in my hands in approximately 2 weeks. That means it will probably be back before the next update, or perhaps before I even post this update. I got in a few good Jams lately... there was a beauty with myself and JLS the Destroyer, JlS was on drums and i on guitar with a microphone... we did a killer version of The Drumheller Boogie a song from years ago. I saw clearly how that song should be done... how to describe with words... I don't think it can be done. Did i mention the traffic and the last minute rush and the alterations at the 11th hour and then the strip bar. Old Sim didn't think I was hard core enough to go to a strip club... he is as stupid as he is ugly... figure of speech of course.. I prefer a dive, a run down joint, with cheap beer... always buy a bottle... never go for the draft... we Veteran slummers have a few tricks under the old sleeve. In the end going for a few beers with some friends is about the friends.. The last thing I want to do is to think I'm looking good in some stuffy operation that requires more than I'm willing to tolerate. March 14, 2004 Well now I am suppose to write a birth story for my family.. Here goes So I wake up at 1:00 pm on Wednesday March 8 to the phone ringing.. It is Freelance he is ready for hockey... right o chum I'll be ready too. The house seems a little quiet though, where could CT be. It turned out that she was on the toilet because that is a comfortable position to be in when your IN LABOUR! Indeed... what do I do? do I call freelance an tell him I can't play giving him an opportunity to back out of playing himself which could hurt our team or do I let him get ready and come over here and then send him on his way. I opt to call him and tell him and he like a sissy opts out of playing. Anyhow back to us. As I am getting caffinated I am also listening to the sounds of contractions heavy breathing with opening tones... yes I like that Opening tones...OOOOOOO. Over the next couple of hours I realize that the contractions are very regular and rather often, and indeed getting stronger. Now the Doula and the Midwifes did make a point about not rushing over too early (probably because some people freak out hard and early). We are a more laid back crew in our house and of course we are scientists.. I can say for sure that our skills in "Assay" are good. So we call all the relevant folk with the relevant information and they say they will begin to head over. To be continued.
March 7, 2004 We are almost ready to release last dance @ the Shockcenter. The CD that by rites should have been released last year. Things like this are always late... it always takes forever to do things in a band. It can be a good thing in some ways like making sure you like the material. If it can sit in the can for 2 years and you still like it then it is more than likely a decent collection of songs.
March 5, 2004 I was talking to Mule the other day... he was telling me he was having trouble writing words. I gave him the sure thing cure. Go down to the ocean and jump in feel those icy cold waters like you never felt before... hone in on a real description of how cold things are... then walk home feeling the savage aching and the grinding of wet jeans (of course he would do in in full Jean suit) on a freezing crotch. Although he seemed somewhat interested in the technique I have the feeling that he just read a book instead. Oh well you can lead a Mule to water but you can't make it jump in. Other thoughts lately are as follows: pieces of paper all over the place some of them with irrelevant ideas, now I see nothing in the words at all, no meaning, no particular flow, no continuity... damn. Maybe I should go jump in the freezing ocean and catch myself a mighty pneumonia. Then I would have something to write about. I could detail the level of stupidity of that process showing in full all of the potential pitfalls. Maybe I would get a surprise ear infection. Ear infections hurt like nothing else. Any head infection is generally bad. We all take our heads for granted. March 1, 2004 Late @ night our hero describes things... indeed, baby is now a day overdue, this is good however... I am not nervous. I am calm now that I have shut off the computer program that records music... I was not calm a moment ago when I was working in that program thinking "how the fuck am I going to make a coherent good sounding recording from all this jibberish"... oh yea gibberish is spelt with a g. I know that. I remember looking it up and placing a 3 am page apologizing to somebody. I was going down Main street today an I saw some friends. One friend in particular who burns holes in things... change the word things to large tree branches... he burn's holes through the center and makes horns out of them. Beautiful horns indeed! Anyhoo, they were walking to an abandon paRKING LOT... crimminy i just hit the caps lock key and things have gone wonkey... now the question I ask myself is "Does the story I was about to tell have an illegal tint to it". And the answer is yes... I'll give you a hint... it was said earlier "No I don't want a chains, because when your trespassing you want to avoid large sounds like the one that a chainsaw would make". My routine is threatened. February 17, 2004 So there is this guy standing out in front of a low rent fried chicken place in a dirty chicken suit that is 2 sizes two small, he has a Walkman on, 4 inches of his calf's are showing through the boots and the bottom of the chicken legs, he has chicken claw gloves holding paper flyers that are falling all over the place.. The whole block is littered with paper flyers but still there is a massive shopping bag filled with flyers on the ground about 7 feet away from our man ... probably 5000 of them.. The only people that are walking by the street (which is not really a high traffic area) are an elderly Chinese couple who have left the sidewalk and are making a wide circumference around him. I was in a vehicle going buy and were were at a red light when I did this observing.
The questions: What does this guy look like? What music is he listening to? What does the head of that chicken suit smell like? What kind of wage does this guy pull in?
February 10, 2004 No consistency to the chronicles updates anymore. Oh well. There have been so many good stories lately... how I outsmarted a German Shepherd the other day with a stick and a bit of ye old Robertson ingenuity. Then shortly thereafter some little mongrel got the better of me and scratched my calf with its nails. There is a song out there with that as a line in it.. And then today it happened. Enter a dog's yard and give it food and all is good for about 10 seconds. The next stage occurs when the food is gone and the territorial instinct begins again. A stick will work well when you are dealing with a German Shepherd. Pretend that you want the stick and the idiot dog will go for the stick.. You can even chase the dog and it will run from you clearing a path to the mailbox and back. It is not until you have closed the gate and are walking away that the dog realizes that it's been duped.. If you watch the expression it takes about 4 seconds to really get it. January 30, 2004 and yet another file that grows mangy with time. No capitals where capitals are suppose to be... soon i will go of to the sanctuary for a late night session in a well heated room with a freshly vacuumed carpet and a feeling that is just right.... hope I didn't spook Sim too much the other day. He sings good. Some bizarre sequence where somehow I got dubbed a wordsmith. Yet I am like a plane about to fly into a mountainside but at the last second pulling out... running thinner my rope of luck. Lost all focus it just had no home, silently stoned
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